Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21
Christmas is coming! But with every celebration comes a health and safety warning: dangerous paper cuts and potentially out of date chocolate lurk behind each advent calendar door. They want to stop you from handing in your end of term assignments! Burn them!
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 20
Jupiter has paused mid-rotation which means you will stop aging for a day next week. Next Tuesday to be precise, you will not age the entire day. You have cheated death for an extra 24 hours, isn’t that exciting?
Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 17
Left feeling inspired after purchasing and flicking through SCAN’s very own naked charity calendar, you’ll want your own slice of nude fun! A campus run in the snow will blow the cobwebs off (as well as anything else which freezes and becomes loose).
Pisces
Feb 18-Mar 20
A cataclysmic secret Santa error will cause confusion and upset in your flat! Wrapping your presents in November seemed organised at the time, but those fishnets and stockings won’t half make things awkward between you and that minger from room three.
Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
Beware of mistletoe, Aries, for it is forecast you will be caught under there by someone you’d rather you hadn’t! Get out of there before you land in saliva central; population: you. The word is on your lips and the word is no!
Taurus
Apr 20-May 21
Feeling hollow and empty, Taurus? Well your purse is: you’ve no pennies left! Classic end of term bank statement will cause you merry hell over Christmas! It is predicted you will be sifting through bargain buckets till the 24th.
Gemini
May 22-Jun 20
National attack of the snow this month has brought moisture underfoot and a general cold sensation, leading to inevitable chaos everywhere. It is predicted you will need a coat and hat! News programmes just aren’t getting the word out, are they?
Cancer
Jun 21-Jul 22
You shall go to the ball! The Christmas Ball that is, for your respective college, club or society. The festive treats in store will be a delight to the senses! Careful you don’t snag your dress on a Christmas tree like I did.
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
Bruised and broken this Christmas from memories of last year’s loves lost, you’ll be feeling a little blue over the next fortnight. It is predicted that this year, to save you from tears, you should give it to someone special.
Virgo
Aug 23-Sep 22
Celebrating the true meaning of Christmas, (which we all remember from Christmas Fest is reindeer and Santa) you will enjoy a spot of traditional carol singing. Too much enthusiasm, however, will lock your jaw! That’s your roast in the blender then, ay?
Libra
Sep 23-Oct 22
Your barmy housemate is driving you up the proverbial cracker, what a pain in the arse! Make a new, less talkative friend out of fruit and take him to the panto. What? You wouldn’t do that? Oh yes you would.
Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
With snowstorms and the like hitting every city of the country bar this one, transport will become impossible and you’ll find yourself stranded on the dry island of Lancaster for an extra week! That’s why Windows invented solitaire.
