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“Those are the trousers I want!” I whispered to a friend as I nodded towards a girl stood near us at the underpass. “Those?!” I’d been wittering on about disco pants for months so when I pointed them out she couldn’t believe that I wanted to cover my limbs with a shiny, spandex second-skin, and to be honest I can’t quite believe it either. These synthetic tubes of material bounced onto the scene back in, you guessed it, the 80s when Olivia Newton-John wore them in the film ‘Grease.’ Legend has it that she had to be sewn into them because they were so tight!
If this legend is true, I can imagine that they are quite literally a death trap- being cut in half after a particularly large meal or a heavy pre-drinks session being two afflictions associated with them. Not to mention casting the bloody things off, I have been caught in a twenty minute changing room trouser struggle in the past and it’s just not pretty- think Ross’ leather trousers situation from ‘Friends.’
So is there a frame that these trousers could flatter? If you are carrying junk in the trunk, yes, they will suck you in but the love handles will find a way to escape somehow. Muffin tops will certainly make an appearance on the slimmest of wearers. I wouldn’t be surprised if cankles came out to say hello either, not to mention the inevitable camel toe. If you have a smaller posterior you will most definitely get ironing board bum, a flat board-like arse that you could bounce a tennis ball off. However, they do claim to lift and shape you with their ‘hip hugging’ cut, perhaps I’m being too harsh on the little devils? After all, I am the one who wants to buy a pair.
So what is still attracting me to these vixens? Is it the shiny fabric luring me in like a magpie or is it the fact that they are so darn versatile? If you’re wondering how to style them, listen up. For an ‘off duty’ daytime style around campus wear them with a denim shirt, hoodie and converse (don’t forget to add collar clips to your shirt for something different!) Feel free to exchange a denim shirt for a Breton, pocket or patterned tee.
However at night channel your inner Newton- John and go with a low or backless top, accessorised with a statement necklace and a bright lipstick. Be aware of wearing a bodysuit though- I doubt even a thong would be safe from VPL underneath these lecherous beasts of legwear.
Call it curiosity or call it madness, but I’d quite like to see the look on my future daughter’s face when I whip them out of the loft in twenty years, much like my own mother has done with some of her wardrobe malfunctions.