Virgo
One of your new lecturers this year is actually an evil cyborg sent to ‘teach then destroy’. To discover which professor is the culprit, challenge each to a dance-off. If their skills blow you away, rip off their pants and pull out their circuits!
Libra
A nasty break-up from a long-distance lover will leave you broken. Try joining lots of new societies, to repeat your forlorn woes and grieving troubles to several groups of fresh listening ears. This will guarantee you maximum sympathy and rebound hanky-panky.
Scorpio
A run-in with an acquaintance from home threatens to burst your university bubble. After discovering the kind of Carleton-dwelling, work-avoiding student monster you’ve become they are sure to add your mum on Facebook and grass you up. Run for the hills!
Sagittarius
Hidden under the pseudonym of an innocent, unassuming society name, it will become apparent from your first couple of meetings and socials that you have inadvertently joined a covert Devil-worshipping cult. Call the CU and get an old-fashioned exorcism under-way.
Capricorn
An almighty cock-up of epic proportions in the National Office of Doing Things Badly (aka Student Finance England) results in a surprise payment to your account of over ten grand. Spend that dosh rapido, let the ‘rents pick up the pieces…
Aquarius
Good girl (or guy) gone bad, you will awaken confused this week in an unfamiliar bedroom. Foolish not to obtain a Pocket Lancaster map from LUSU, you will have to make your disorientated escape down the spine with only your underwear for company.
Pisces
The sight of a stranger in town binning perfectly good food leads you on a path of temptation most foul. Do not eat from the bin, or you’ll find yourself on the hit-list of Lancaster’s leading tramps. They’ll hunt yo ass!
Aries
You will trip over in an exaggerated comical fashion in a very public place in full view of all your friends, your catalogue of ex-boyfriends, your lecturers and your secret crush! Oh my gosh, so humiliating! Cringe!
Taurus
Lancaster’s crowning centre-piece of campus, Alex Square Building Site, will become your headdress one Carleton-based evening. Slipping on an innocent Sugarhouse leaflet on your way home, your head will become trapped in the ever-present scaffolding. Good luck getting out.
Gemini
Within your first few weeks, you will strike up an unlikely friendship with one of the many on-campus pigeons. He will clean up after you, fly over your head when it rains and peck out the eyes of your rivals.
Cancer
A good choice at the time, an attractive new housemate will become a dangerous allure. As they saunter round the house in their undies, be cautious of housey unrequited love and its distractions. Get a cold shower and a grip!
Leo
A cooking disaster, part way through the construction of the worst curry ever, will produce an unfamiliar substance, later to be proven to be a new element! Clear some room on the Periodic Table and your mantle-piece! Bulky Nobel Prize…
