A Work of Creative Writing
The fact that I must write this fills me with sadness but, overwhelmed by a sense of duty, I am left with few other options. Quite frankly, I have lost faith in this country. The budding Etonian of my youth would likely be unable to recognise the Great Britain of today as the nation he once knew. I loved my country as it was, but it has been malformed from the shadows. Sly meetings and scummy deals have eroded our nation’s principles. The shift has been so gradual that I fear many will not realise they are being guided into a prison until their cell is locked behind them.
Scoff if you like! Turn away if it makes you feel better. Those who cover their ears will be the first in chains. Make no mistake that we are under the grip of a silent power. So dire is our situation that even history’s greatest dystopian minds – George Orwell, Margret Atwood, Karl Marx – could not have dreamt it up. An invisible force has barraged its way into the people’s minds and now we find ourselves infected by dark, parasitical ideas. Simply put, they have taken our human rights and turned them into human wrongs. I knew this to be true when I found, to my surprise, my own wife infected, regurgitating fascistic thinking. It was Christmas Day.
We were having Christmas Dinner, and myself, my wife and my two sons had been tucking into the most succulent, luscious meal of the year. Before me was roasted turkey, stuffed to perfection, steaming gravy, delicately mashed and crisply roasted potatoes. The potatoes being the crown jewel of the piece, I naturally polished them off rather quickly and, equally naturally, asked my wife to dish out some more. Then, she made a request which makes my fingers curl even now. How I can picture the moment. My innocent desire for more food followed by her blind retort that I say please!
Let us consider this, dear reader. How many times have you attempted to make life easier by requesting the help of others only to be reminded that you must first say ‘please’? I imagine that the absurdity of the scenario barely touches your mind anymore. And what if you refuse to use said word? Well, you are simply not aided. With society being so interconnected as it is today, us all being so reliant on one another, is it not a heinous breach of our freedoms to lock off this vital network to those who make a personal choice not to say it? How can the West boast its people are free when they are subjugated to this tyranny?
Moreover, this word actively damages society through the time it takes to say. Not much, on face value. But consider for a moment the minutes per week you might expend tied up with this word. How many hours per month? How many days per year? Where could society be if this lost time was given back to us? If time is money, then those who perpetuate this word’s use are thieves.
And who exactly keeps this useless word in circulation? Think about it, dear reader.
The word slows down those who say it: the civilised. Therefore, it stands to reason that those perpetuating its prevalence must not use it themselves. And who does not? The uncivil. Those snivelling, sickening, snot-ridden specimens from the working classes. They bribe the right people – likely using the extortionate handouts we give them – to keep the word necessary for others, slowing us down, granting them more time in their days to earn money and climb society. Mark my words, they will surpass us when they deem the time right.
We must claw back our country from the paws of these traitors. To do nothing, or to act too leniently, would surrender this nation to authoritarianism and obliterate our precious freedoms. I am soon to submit my solution to the Prime Minister. If you cherish liberal values and want to resist mad authority, back my proposal: we criminalise saying please. It is imperative that this action is punished with immediate incarceration for eighteen months minimum on first offence, to be an effective deterrent. In Great Britain, we do not hold back those we have differences with, for we are a nation of open-minded tolerance. We must imprison those who do not feel the same.