Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
You will find a shiny new penny! Stopping to pick it up, a dashing young gentlemen will bump into you and initial awkwardness could develop into something more! The coffee he buys you will save you more than that crappy penny…
Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21
Someone is carrying too much hand luggage. Lumbering Jupiter predicts that now is the perfect time to attempt to lose that flab! Everyone needs winter padding, but even a short run will have you looking less spacious and more curvaceous!
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 20
Open for too long, your milk will turn sour and lumpy. Bought in the Sunday reductions at Central, this shan’t be money wasted. Simmer on a windowledge in the sun for a day, add garlic to taste, and serve over a friend’s pillowcase.
Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 17
Interactive Venus predicts internet and real worlds will collide for you, Aquarius! Poking friends and relatively-unknown acquaintances alike when you see them will be a blast! But remember, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Pisces
Feb 18-Mar 20
You will find yourself in Italy this week! Cursing your bad luck for being spontaneously transported just before a social, stock up on Italy’s finest cheap chocolate and seek out the almighty Italian Chief of Pizzetta Republic to get home.
Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
A marooned Morecambe seagull, distressed to find himself inland and on-campus will deposit his fruits upon you. Although lucky in some cultures, this is bad news, particularly if you attempt to wipe: it will only get bigger and messier.
Taurus
Apr 20-May 21
Bi-annual excitement from the national altering of clocks will go to your head, causing you to believe you are indeed a Time Lord. The creation of an hour from nothing will send you barmy with wonder, inevitably culminating in isolated confinement.
Gemini
May 22-Jun 20
You will break something valuable this week. A laptop, to be specific, by individually removing each key, in a Philosophy-induced hallucinatory state, in an attempt to prove Plato’s theory of forms and find the essence of each letter, hidden beneath. You mad man.
Cancer
Jun 21-Jul 22
An over-zealous cycling expedition one weekend will leave your sporting ego bruised when Morcambe chavs attack, stealing your front wheel and leaving you stranded in the quicksand. That’ll teach you for making others feel lazy and unhealthy.
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
Your loving, kind flatmates will ditch you for “better” company! It’s not always easy to get along with new people so don’t despair. Try getting to know them more, or put knives in their bed. Weren’t expecting that were they?
Virgo
Aug 23-Sep 22
A spontaneous campus-wide game of hide and seek with your flatmates will result in the discovery of Spar’s secret door, between the cheese and ham! If you get lost in this supermarket Narnia, follow the smell to freedom!
Libra
Sep 23-Oct 22
You will lose a shoe this week. Unfortunate enough to find the stickiest part of the Carleton’s oddly panelled flooring; the shoe will be firmly tacked. Five will make you get down now, but nothing will get that shoe up.
