Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
Venus has flung herself into the burning core of the sun, implying that you must embrace a new skill over the holidays! It’s the perfect time to pick up a musical instrument or learn to cook. Or watch Disney films and get hideously drunk.
Taurus
Apr 20-May 21
You may have thought killing two birds with one stone was a good thing, until you do exactly that when skimming pebbles into Lake Carter. Two ducks will never see the sunrise over Lancaster again thanks to you, jerk.
Gemini
May 22-Jun 20
Keep away from vending machines this week, as they will refuse to trade fairly with you Gemini leaving you hungry, money-less and enraged. Get your own back by stuffing its slot with monopoly money and pogs. Remember pogs?
Cancer
Jun 21-Jul 22
After using three packs of pro plus over two all-nighters and a partridge in a pear tree, you’ll be tripping out and tripping over as you attempt you bodge your way through life, your brain mashed beyond comprehension. Silly Cancer.
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
Tired and strung-out from seeing your lad from home only every other weekend, you will reach the end of your tether. The sight of other couples being happy will send you into a wild tirade. Shout louder, Leo! Diminish their love!
Virgo
Aug 23-Sep 22
A cataclysmic error of judgement will leave you with a sunburnt face after failing to take accurate weather readings before leaving the house. Remember the handout-window method: 60% of the time it works every time.
Libra
Sep 23-Oct 22
Motivated by the prospect of party-harty times, you’re storming through your workload like a trouper. However, a weighty pile of literature will have your vertebrae out of joint and into a neck-brace before you can say five shots of sambuca.
Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
It is predicted you will neglect your family obligations and return home on Mothers Day with nothing but a bag of dirty washing and an ugly hangover. Four week of awkward silence await you, Scorpio for neglecting your JLS calendar.
Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21
A one-off performance at Campus Festival has earned you campus-wide fame. “Look!” the crowds avidly whisper, “the one with the cello!”. Yes that’s right, you’ve earned your recognition; today master of the bow, tomorrow master of the world.
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 20
In all the end of term madness you will leave packing as last minute as your essays. Upon return to the nest you’ll discover that your drunk self believes you only require t-shirts, three shoes and your desk lamp.
Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 17
Safely residing on an upper floor, you’ll leave your window open over Easter to air out your foul student hovel. However in your absence a flock of geese will take residence in your bed and raise their young.
Pisces
Feb 18-Mar 20
Those juicy nectarines you bought at the start of term and hid at the back of your cupboard, away from raccoons, have gone as mouldy as the day is long. You spent good money on those nectarines; eat them out of sheer economic sense.
