You don’t need someone telling you how to be single, it’s pretty easy. It basically means instead of spending money on expensive chocolate and champagne for two, you spend money on uncooked cookie batter and cheap wine for one. It’s really not that bad trust me, as the love child of Bridget Jones and 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon the last Valentines Day card I got was from my cat and I’m still in one piece. It might be a slightly bitter, twisted aspiring cat-lady piece but it’s still one piece! Whilst this is meant to be a ‘how to,’ nothing peeves me off more than a life affirming quote on the backdrop of rainbows and sunsets meant to steer ones righteous soul. Luckily I don’t have a soul, certainly not on February 14th so I have decided to simply share my thoughts on not only surviving, but thriving as a single person on the dreaded V Day!
Listen to Cher
The age defying, cat suit wearing (and pulling off, seriously she’s 67!) husky voiced alpha- female is the Queen of empowering songs! It doesn’t matter about gender, your orientations, even if you’re about to marry the love of your life, there is a Cher song for you. Actually, I lied, if you are about to get married go listen to some Gary Barlow and leave Cher’s powerhouse belters to we single folk, you can’t have everything! ‘Save up all your tears cos’ you’ll be crying over me,’ take that any one who has ever dumped or betrayed you! ‘I hope you find it, what you’re looking for,’ for those who need an excuse to have a good sob with the two men who will never let you down- Ben and Jerry. Though my personal favourite is ‘Now I’m strong enough to live without you,’ strut around your kitchen singing this full pelt, complete with air grabbing hand gestures and you’re going to gave a pretty good Valentine’s Day, especially if your microphone is a wine bottle
Laugh at yourself (or your friends, or me)
Chances are someone has had a worse Valentine’s Day than you. Have your friends over for an innocent night of films and wine and then when everyone’s suitably drunk launch your Valentine’s Day attack. Even if they’re loved up on the 14th at least you have the memory of them crying into their tequila because their rabbit understands them better than their boyfriend. If that fails just think of a single woman on a train, getting rejected from a job over the phone then getting drunk on free first class wine crying to the conductor- yes this happened and yes it was me and yes it was on Valentine’s Day. At least you can laugh at me if your friends aren’t miserable enough!
Eat chocolate
Eat chocolate, drink wine, eat some more chocolate, drink some more wine. Bonus point if this takes place whilst wearing a onesie, double bonus points if this onesie has animal ears on the hood. This is not an excuse, this is mandatory and the best part is you don’t have to share, you don’t even have to get dressed, you can’t do that in a restaurant now can you?!
Make couples feel awkward
This is an optional extra to the chocolate/ wine instruction and can be achieved in a variety of ways. Perhaps innocently invite yourself to dinner with your couple friends, feigning ignorance of Valentine’s Day. Or fail to get the hint that your flatmates want the house to themselves and suggest a CSI marathon complete with a pop quiz at the end. Please note, this should not be taken into consideration if your friends are really kinky and might genuinely think you are proposing a swinging session. Also there’s always blackmailing your way into some Valentine’s chocolate, I’ve genuinely threatened not to pick someone up from the train station unless they bring some, I got a bag of Maltesers and a Metro so wins all round.
Remember you are a strong independent woman and you don’t need no man (note: insert ‘man’/’woman’/’cat lady’ where appropriate)
People, the media, your Mum (and most likely Grandma who thinks because you’re unmarried at 20 you’re going to die alone) often try and measure a person’s worth by their relationship status. Single or not, remember all the amazing things you’ve achieved, friends you’ve got and fun you’re having and that who you may or may not be taking to bed doesn’t define you, you define you! Except if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, and then wine will define you…and that’s okay!
