The Overlooked Voices of Adopted Adults
Adopted adults often feel overlooked in adoption discussions, as much of the focus remains on adoptive parents and children. We, as adoptees, often get neglected in both media and public conversations.
Growing Up Adopted Is Hard
Adoption stories frequently stop at childhood, with characters like Annie or Tracy Beaker representing adopted children.
Unfortunately, modern media and literature rarely feature adopted adults. Growing up adopted can be confusing and painful.
Many adoptees, whether children or adults, struggle with not knowing their biological family or understanding their identity.
The absence of knowledge about family history, looks, or medical background emotionally challenges them.
Society often suggests that adopted adults should either search for their birth family or simply “move on,” but these well-intended suggestions dismiss the deep emotional impact adoption can have on some people.
Varying Feelings About Adoption
Adopted adults’ feelings about their adoption vary widely.
Some adoptees don’t let adoption define their identity and focus on building a life independent of it.
For others, the impact cuts deeper, and they can feel lost or broken.
The circumstances leading to adoption are diverse—some were adopted due to poverty or addiction, while others were adopted because of abuse, neglect, or other reasons.
While I was fortunate to be adopted into a loving family, not all adopted children share the same experience.
Some face more difficult circumstances, and their experiences with the care system or foster care can be traumatic.
Birth Family and Identity
For me, learning about my birth family wasn’t easy. My birth mother struggled with mental illness, and my birth father abused and controlled her.
I have one half-brother on each side, but my half-brother on my dad’s side didn’t know him.
My half-brother on my mum’s side grew up in foster care.
While I consider my adoptive family my true family, I also acknowledge my birth family as part of my identity. I’m still defining family for myself, and I know I’m not alone in this.
Learning about the dark side of my birth family, particularly my birth father’s abusive behavior, has been difficult.
Many adopted individuals, like me, feel burdened by the negative actions of their biological parents, even if they’re nothing like them.
This weight drains us emotionally and highlights the need for greater support for adult adoptees.
We often face these challenges alone, navigating complex feelings without guidance.
The Saviour Complex in Adoption
Adoptive parents often receive praise as “heroes” for taking in children, but the savior complex can be problematic.
Adoption is about creating a loving family, not rescuing a child.
Unfortunately, the narrative often stops once the adoption papers are signed, leaving adult adoptees feeling invisible or forgotten.
Once we’re no longer children, it seems as though we no longer matter in the conversation about adoption. But we do.
Guilt and Identity Struggles
I’ve always felt guilty about the idea of meeting my biological family. Sometimes, I feel like exploring this part of my identity would betray my adoptive family, even though I know logically that it isn’t true.
The Ongoing Struggles for Adopted Adults
Consequently, these complex emotions make it difficult for adopted adults to move on with their lives.
Therefore, our struggle with identity, belonging, and guilt persists, and there’s a pressing need for more understanding and validation of these experiences.
The Need for More Support
I find solace in groups and movements like the UK Adult Adoptee Movement.
They provide a platform for adopted adults to share our stories and advocate for our needs.
One key aspect of this advocacy is the need for adoption-specific therapy, which could help adult adoptees process the unique challenges we face.
This means that elevating the voices of adult adoptees and creating safe spaces for us to share our experiences would be a step forward.
Adopted adults, even those who were adopted as infants, deserve more support. We need to dismantle the savior narrative.
The Importance of Being Heard
We deserve to be heard and understood, not dismissed or pushed aside once the adoption papers are signed.
It’s crucial to create a society where adopted adults are recognized and given the resources we need to thrive as we carry the weight of our experiences into adulthood.
Breaking the Stigma
It’s also vital for adoptive parents to talk openly about adoption without shame, making it a natural conversation in the household.
Not discussing adoption only causes emotional harm and contributes to the stigma surrounding it.
With more awareness and empathy, we can dismantle outdated narratives and create a world where adopted adults feel validated and supported.
