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Fearsome patriarch and all round footballing force Sir Alex Ferguson was found in an unfamiliar and vulnerable state this morning, buckled on the pavement in pain just outside Manchester United’s training ground in Carrington.
The 68-year-old Knight was discovered by members of the United reserves, who called paramedics when it emerged that he could not stand up. Steroid-addled giga-teen Federico Macheda was nice enough to recount for Sport Distort what happened as Fergie and the players waited for his ambulance:
“The gaffer was in agony.” Macheda recalled. “He explained to us that as part of Wayne’s new contract -” – the player’s tone darkened notably – “- he had to personally carry Wayne to and from the training ground every weekday and to and from Old Trafford every Saturday. He gets Sundays off, unless Wayne fancies a trip down the links.”
Fergie was clearly in huge amounts of pain as Sport Distort managed to catch him for a quick interview. “Wayne’s a big lad,” he groaned. “I can normally just about manage to get him to Carrington in the mornings if I’m in bed by 7pm. Today though, Wayne wanted to go on my shoulders for a bit – I gave him 10 minutes but my knees starting knocking so I had to revert to the piggy-back. Then he wanted an ice-cream so we had to stop and pick up a Feast. He’d just had breakfast, the little trooper, but I didn’t want him getting stroppy. Bless him, it was only a matter of time before my aging legs gave way.”
Meanwhile, Macheda pulled no punches when asked for the rest of the team’s views on Rooney’s lucrative new deal. “It’s a disgrace.” he muttered, the disgust there for all to see. “Part of the contract stipulates that we have to laugh at all the jokes he cracks in training. They’re always so dire! Plus we have to score his goals, do his shopping at Waitrose, clean his car with our tears and fight each other for his pleasure. Scholesy took Chicharito’s eye out the other day, all in the name of entertainment for the mighty Wayne.”
In other news, a middle-aged Villa fan who mocked Machester United whilst having his lunch in a pub in Dudley has been rewarded with a five-year deal. Ian Woolstenholme, 47, is “settling well” according to his new teammates. “He can put in a shift up front,” commented Dimitar Berbatov, “plus he’s actually here for the weekend and not out on the lash and punching camels in Dubai.”