Jan 21-Feb 17
A new year’s trip to the gym accompanied by possibly the entirety of the rest of the University and its staff will have dire repercussions. Your Privet Drive will play host to some sweaty friction-rashes. Feel the burn.
Feb 18-Mar 20
A new module this term will introduce you to someone new. However, Neptune forewarns you to remain wary. Get them to fill in a form about their regrets and life failings so they become vulnerable and dependent on your love. Excellent.
Mar 21-Apr 19
A bit of bad news this week from some returned coursework will have your self esteem plummet and the Christmas chocolate devoured due to emotional pain. Cheer up: I hear the Christian Union are giving away more free food this week.
Apr 20-May 21
A delightfully refreshing visit to a friend living in town will take an unexpected take a disastererous twist. Whilst vacating Chancellor’s Wharf, blissfully unaware of the path’s proximity to the canal, you’ll quickly find yourself swimming with the eels.
May 22-Jun 20
The lumberjacks have vacated, leaving a quaint path through the big scary forest surrounding campus in their wake. Take a picnic and pretend you are nine again. Watch out for less mentally stable students, woefully lost in memories of better days.
Jun 21-Jul 22
A particularly sordid evening in the flat playing sleeping bag games, corridor jousting, corridor cricket, corridor tug of war, corridor slip ‘n’ slide and corridor capture the flag will result in some hefty damage to your property. Say hello to poly-filler.
Jul 23-Aug 22
It’s cold outside, the evenings are still dark, the mornings are still dark and your cupboards are bare from staying indoors. Improvise breakfast this morning using the old rubbery water from your hot water bottle and flour for a thick tasty broth.
Aug 23-Sep 22
A camel with many humps will become the subject of your daydreams this week. Frequently cropping up in your subconscious, it will make concentration impossible. For every child you murder, a hump will be lost until the camel is destroyed.
Sep 23-Oct 22
Tired of beans on toast now is the perfect time to start cooking up a creative storm! You don’t need to cook by the book to make a delicious dish, just remember the golden rule: metal + microwave = bad.
Oct 23-Nov 21
Uranus is flailing wildly, frantically urging me to pass on this important personal message: Fun house, a whole lot of fun, prizes to be won; it’s the real crazy show where anything goes. Fun house, it’s a quiz, it’s a race, it’s a real wacky place.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Oh Saggy, you haven’t taken your vitamins and will now become ill, jeopardising your highly important studies. Fear not, use your bedridden bewildered state to paint abstract masterpieces whilst you slowly fail your degree. Farewell Lancaster, artistic acclaim and riches await!
Dec 22-Jan 20
Amidst a January clear out you will come across some memorabilia from first term. Stick some Journey on and have a good weep for the banter that has come and gone. Maybe you could make a nostalgic collage!