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Feb 18-Mar 20
The last of the free Freshers’ Fair pens will run out on you during a late-night library session. The newsagents is closed, and to your detriment, you know no one. Use the letters from the class mark system on the spines of books to collage the knowledge!
Mar 21-Apr 19
On a weekend wander around campus you’ll find yourself caught up in a gaggle of prospective students touring the sights. Use this opportunity to spread slander and repel them. Maybe then there will be room for you to live on campus in your final year.
Apr 20-May 21
Your ambitions for zone-located learning will be disrupted next week when you become trapped in the airtight sealed doors to the Learning Zone. You’ll have to skim read before the oxygen runs out or your tutor will be furious.
May 22-Jun 20
Mounting deadline stress is making you home sick, Gemini. Use household goods to make your own parents to talk to and ask for money from. Once a doctor sees your insanity in action, you’re bound to get an extension and some pills.
Jun 21-Jul 22
The constant re-arranging of walkways on campus will leave you bewildered on your search for the new bus stop. Emerging somehow on the wrong side of the fence, you’ll take the opportunity to be the first to pee and vom all over the new paving. Hurray!
Jul 23-Aug 22
That dastardly dissertation’s over, but before you part ways it will suck every last piece of patience and soul of out you like one of Azkaban’s dementors. You won’t love anymore, only hate.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Spring has sprung (nearly). The rabbits are getting squashed on perimeter road and the ducks are breeding everywhere. A seasonal pigeon will also come out of the woodwork and into your face so keep your fists at the ready when on the spine.
Sep 23-Oct 22
One of your finest plates will become permanently stained by a dollop of encrusted dried-on dinner remains. No amount of soaking, scrubbing or washing-up-liquid-drowning will assist. Ceremoniously smash it outside Cartmel College as an offering to the Gods.
Oct 23-Nov 21
A nerve racking trip to London may be on the cards when invited to interview for a graduate job! All suited up you will be accessorised with sick from a baby on the train. Minimum wage bar work it is then.
Nov 22-Dec 21
A celebratory end of deadlines trip to the Carleton will begin badly when you decide to relieve yourself on the promenade. With your co-ordination somewhat off-set by drink, your shoes will get a bit wet, and not from the sea.
Dec 22-Jan 20
With the hope of a pull, you’ve been subtly hitting on that guy you like all term. However, he is a man and is blind to your flirting. Stand at his window naked. If he doesn’t pick you up someone else sure will!
Jan 21-Feb 17
Pancake Day has come and gone but it’s left food on your ceiling and a dent in your pocket! Misreading the recipe you over-bought and will be living off pancakes for the next few weeks. Winner? Batter luck next year.