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GEMINI MAY 22 – JUNE 20
After a hellish week of exams, you now have a spring in your step, a spring roll in your mouth and a sprig of heather in your hair to attract men and old ladies to bask in your glowing successful radiance. Avoid cheese.
CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22
Something good will occur in your life in the immediate or slightly further away future. It will involve an event, people, yourself of course and Big Bird ‘off of’ Sesame Street. Those are all the details I can provide. Embrace the good time while they last Cancer.
LEO JULY 23 – AUG 22
A yearlong vendetta between you and alcohol will come to a bloody apex at the end of this term, with a three day duel being battled out at each extrav. Remember young Leo, he who consumes looks cool, he who chunders looks the fool.
VIRGO AU3 23 – SEPT 22
Gossip is in the air as Venus whispers secretively at Uranus. Exams have made everyone more easily impressed. Did you hear that story about the invigilator who gave a student who had forgotten their calculator an iPhone? It’s Claire’s story! Find her at the mystical LUSU Information Desk and she will find the solution to your curiosity.
LIBRA SEPT 23 – OCT 22
In a jovial revision break with your fellow study comrades, you’ll endeavour to catch Maltesers in your mouth, thrown from the other side of your room. Jupiter has warned you once: it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Or gets a Malteser stuck in one. Read into that what you will.
SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21
I didn’t have time to predict your future, Scorpio, but my mate, Divine Deana down at the MET office sent me this: sunny skies, clouded eyes, a mystery man in disguise. Starry nights, bright lights, raining men, foggerty dogging heading eastwards with a slight breeze.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21
You’ve had your head in the revision clouds and are unaware that disease has broke loose and E-coli is spreading like the mouldy margarine in your fridge. Stay away from cucumbers, saggy, or it’s predicted you’ll be too sick to party, and not in the hip cool way.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 20
Love is in the air but you’ll be moving on and up on your own into a new life with a special someone, completely independently as a couple. You’ll really find yourself again and enjoy the time alone spent in loving company. Embrace your new found freedom with your old ball and chain.
AQUARIUS JAN 21 – FEB 17
It’s predicted that this year’s extrav ticket-selling process will be just as much of a fiasco as last year’s, leaving servers crashed beyond repair. Use the money you could have spent on tickets on a bottle of chloroform to gain you access! You’re only young once Aquarius.
PISCES FEB 18 – MAR 20
The water bottle you’ve been re-using for the last six exams has gone rancid and foul-smelling. Nervous hormones from your saliva have rotted the plastic at double the rate and will leave a bad taste in the mouth for your final finals.
ARIES MAR 21- APR 19
Exams have kept you locked away from TV; it’s predicted you’re excited for catching up on the new series of Doctor Who! I won’t spoil it for you Aries, but River Song is actually Amy and Rory’s daughter. Her real name’s Melody Pond, geddit? I also predict anger.
TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 21
It’s predicted that Furness Extrav will be the place to be Tuesday Week 10! It’s predicted the extent of wild jungle monkeying around in the foyer will mean it will have to be rebuilt! I ain’t lion, that’s how bananas it will be.