Bowland Tower to be demolished

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SCAN can exclusively reveal that the University has decided to demolish Bowland Tower, after a lengthy discussion as to whether the Tower is structurally safe for students to reside in.

After the grand unveiling of the new Bowland accommodation in January, there have been various secret discussions as to whether the Tower is structurally sound, as there was not enough time to check the foundations if the University hoped to meet the renovation deadline. As a result, students have been living in a block which is at risk of collapse.

The final decision to demolish the Tower was made in a private University Senate, where one concerned member of upper management revealed that if the Tower were left standing, it would begin to tilt to the left, similarly to the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy. This is due to an ancient burial ground that was discovered on the Bailrigg site back in the 1960s when the University purchased the land to begin constructing the modern day campus.

Bowland Tower has been the centre of controversy since its construction, during the course of its life it has been linked to suicides, hauntings and mysterious cat sightings. It has been suggested the burial ground upon which the Tower is situated contains the remains of the infamous Pendle Witches – the members of Time Team have been invited to excavate the site after the demolition is complete.

SCAN spoke to a member of Facilities, who wished to remain anonymous, about the planned demolition, and it was said: “Whilst it is sad to see the end of Bowland Tower, we are looking forward to seeing the controlled explosion take place over the summer, it was originally planned to take place alongside the other construction work during Quiet Period, but we thought blowing up an 11 storey building might annoy those nearby. Although it’s a shame that we wasted so much money renovating the Tower, we plan to claim the destroyed building on our insurance. We have offered compensation packages and first class degrees to a small group of science students if they admit to accidentally destroying the building whilst assisting in recreating Godzilla for a film project.”

Though still in the formative stages, the secret Senate also discussed possible reuses of the land once the Tower is gone and the burial ground has been excavated. Our anonymous source revealed: “We’d like to make it a retail space to go alongside the other stores in Alexandra Square, we’re in discussions with a popular clothing retailer, who are rumoured to be opening a store in Lancaster city centre, about opening a two storey building on campus. After the Tower is gone, we plan to fix the foundation problem by filling the excavated site with concrete.”

The University are yet to announce details of the demolition to students, and it is unsure where those who have accommodation in the Tower will be moved to, after Ash House was closed for renovation. As part of the demolition ceremony, spectators will be invited to take ‘selfies’ with Bowland Tower and hashtag them #ByeByeBowland to be in with a chance of winning a commemorative miniature Bowland Tower. More information and tickets for the controlled explosion will be released in the coming weeks.

Note: Published as the SCAN Editor end of year hoax story in the final issue of term. If you believe this, you’re quite silly.

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