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Still need to vote? Too bad! And if there’s one vote in it, we’ll know who to blame. We’re not angry, we’re just disappointed.
But, before we get to that, before we get to sit back and watch, with bored anticipation, the desperate attempts at conjuring up some sort of makeshift government, let us take a brief look back at the closest election of a lifetime.
Let’s start with Dave “the Lad” Cameron. The Conservatives probably ran one of the most boring election campaigns of a lifetime, relying mostly on the petty right-wing media (and a few racist Hopkins-like characters) to fight their battles for them. If I never hear the words “long term economic plan” or “cutting the deficit in half” again, I’ll die a happy lefty. But hey! Let’s not forget Dave’s enthusiasm guys! There’s nothing quite like a sweaty chap, sleeves rolled up, following advice from his careers advisor to be “more exuberant during job interviews”. If only the economy was actually as “pumped up” as our Illusionist-in-Chief, he’d have this campaign in the bag. But instead we’re going Boris.
Then there’s poor, old Nick Clegg, the man who managed to buy his soul back from the Devil and then put it on sale at a discount price. At Woolworths. A couple of days before they went bust. They (the Lib Dems) The Lib Dems will be hoping for strong local candidates with deep roots in the community to save them from despair, but the numbers probably won’t add up for them to be a force in any coalition or minority government. Nick will probably lose his seat and the party will probably lose their leader.
Next up, the latest creepy poster on every 16-year-old girl’s bedroom wall: Ed Miliband. From zero to apparent hero, the left-wing media have fallen head over heels for Red Ed, with his publicists finally figuring out how much better he is at face-to-face interviews as opposed to shouting matches across the Commons. His promises have also been made into stone (literally – I mean seriously: literally), meaning that, breaking news, Ed Miliband is the 21st century Moses. Well I’ve heard he likes burning bushes too (if you know what I mean). To be fair on the guy though, he has managed to transform a divided Blairite Labour Party circling the drain into something that might one day resemble a reliable and realistic left-wing party. That day however, is not today. There’s a feeling, however slight, that Labour might do better than expected. “We’re alright!” one might envisage them thinking. Plus ça change.
Let us not forget the mighty Greens, Scots and not-so-mighty UKIPpers, who have made it very clear that they will be heard this time around. Here’s some quick, completely un-backed-up predictions: SNP will do alright, Greens will basically stay the same, and UKIP will die a deserved death as Nigel Farage loses out on a seat and leaves the country. As for my overall prediction on the election: a minority government led by Ed Miliband that will spend the next five years *really* struggling. That said, it’ll be better than a second season of Nick and Dave’s Road to Nowhere. Don’t know where we’re going, got no way of knowing… But best of all our mates don’t pay any tax!