Creative Column: ‘Chilli Con Carne (Serves 6)’ by Sam Steele

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For this recipe, you will need:

2 onions (large)
4 cloves garlic
1 half-written essay (hardly started)
4 mushrooms
2 red peppers
3 tbsp of (barely) holding it together
2 tins tomatoes
2 tins kidney beans
1 stock cube of monotonous routine
500g mince
1 tsp chilli powder
1 hot and bothered cook
Procrastinated hours
Step 1: take the onions and cloves,
divide and subdivide; dice your woes
to small translucent pieces; slide in pan.

Step 2: infuse the smells, turn on fan
and watch as worried haze evaporates
away. Forget your stressed-out word-count state.

Step 3: brown mince, add chopped-up veg, and stir
until you prise the food that’s stuck and burnt;
coagulate into a troubled mound.

Step 4: pour sauce. Move th’ingredients round
the pan in figure-of-eight; listen to
the splodges, splurges, bubbles of the womb.

Step 5: sprinkle chilli, it’ll kick
procrastination out of you; lick
the spoon and add some seasoning to taste.

Step 6: wait ’til flavours blend. Don’t waste
the time before your meal well deserved;
first-draft your essay; eat; then no more work.

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