Pisces
Feb 18-Mar 20
A kiss with a fist is better than none. Or is it? No! You know your friend is getting a hard time from her lad at the moment, so be really creepy and flirty with him until he never returns! Failing that, see a trained counsellor maybe?
Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
A nasty surprise is lurking in some fruit near you, aries. Spiders in bananas, oranges full of spider eggs, pineapples full of spider-egg spiders throwing eggs at you, etc. stay away from fruit until you are weak and withered.
Taurus
Apr 20-May 21
Turning up the heat, taurus, you will start a fire. The stir fry from heaven will transform your kitchen into hell when a teatowel ignites and flames spread. Grab the alcohol and run! It would irresponsible to leave it behind.
Gemeni
May 22-Jun 20
a trip down memory lane is in store when you bump into an old friend in town. you will re-kindle the wheezing wheelchair-bound relationship over lunch in a lovely café, found at the end of memory lane on the left.
Cancer
Jun 21-Jul 22
It’s that time of the year again and everyone is stressed out and angry with their flatmates, including you, cancer. Putting your anger into something productive just never works, so burn the place down and have a good laugh.
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
Having spent your reading week productively getting through multiple bars of chocolate, tubs of ice cream as well as an entire series of Glee, you will find yourself unable to return to your lectures dueto the University’s narrow doorframes.
Virgo
Aug 23-Sep 22
A friend from home at an inferior university will try tempting you to visit one weekend for some top class polytechnic banter. Tell them where to go: top 10 universities only mingle with the riff raff during the holidays, blates.
Libra
Sep 23-Oct 22
So you’ve got that presentation next week, Libra? Not one for public speaking, those dastardly nerves will have you on the poo pot minutes before you’re due, but with no bog roll it will be a mulit-sensory presentation to forget.
Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
This term has taken its toll and with the prospect of essays and end of term deadlines looming, your body will give up on you and make you horribly unwell. Fear not, sofa-bound scorpie, for DJ Pep is on come Dine With me on march 6.
Sagitterius
Nov 22-Dec 21
Uninspired in the kitchen, you’ll be sitting down to pasta again this evening. but help is at hand from DJ Pep of carleton fame; he’s on come Dine With me on march 6. Wonder if his food will be as cheesy as his music?
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 20
Motivated by being fat and lonely for valentines, You’ve hit the gym and are ripped! It is predicted, however that your new muscles will backfire when you hit the clubs. she hit the floor, next thing you know, you’ve broken her arm.
Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 17
Mum’s struggling with the mortgage re-payments and Dad is still looking for a job in the harsh economic climate. But you don’t care; thanks to their troubles you’re plush with bursary and will drink yourself silly on their behalf! Lucky old Aquarius.
