Sport Distort: Is Torres’ first goal an elaborate hoax?

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Fernando Torres was photographed shopping in Kensington last week while he was supposedly playing for Chelsea. The World Cup winning centre forward scored his first goal for the Blues, nearly three months after his £50m move, against West Ham. However the news that Torres was seen in Kensington while the match was being played has led to rumours that the real Fernando had been replaced with an imposter.

At the time of writing, there has been no conclusive evidence to suggest that there has been any foul play at work. It is likely, however, that as an astute businessman, Roman Abramovich may have looked into other possibilities following Torres’ horrendous start at the West London club.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Henning van Tastic told Sport Disort: “In the time Torres has been at the club, it is quite possible that Abramovich has been able to take a more talented footballer and have him undergo a series of cosmetic alterations to make him look in every way like Torres, but also with the ability to score goals on a regular basis.”

Other possibilities have not been ruled out at this stage, such as the possibility Torres has been replaced by a robot. Professor Wang, Senior Lecturer in Electronics at the University of London, commented: “There is no reason why Abramovich couldn’t have invested in creating a cyborg that takes the form of Torres, while having the capability of being twice the player.”

However, physiological analyst Yvonne Abeadoctor – who previously spoke to Sport Distort regarding Abel Xavier’s non-existence – claimed: “It was never actually a goal, but merely a mass-hallucination of 40,000 like-minded Chelsea fans.” She added: “It’s a lot like in an evangelical church; when enough people want to believe something is real, they claim it is. It was an Easter miracle.”

While none of these theories can be confirmed, all answer the question of Torres’ appearance in Kensington during the game and make his supposed goal against the Hammers far more explainable.

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