TAURUS
APR 20 – MAY 21
Not looking too fresh, you’ll have a fashion fiasco when your threads are down-sized by a fault in the laundrette’s heating system. With so much meat on show, people will confuse you for the hog-roast on market day.
GEMINI
MAY 22 – JUNE 20
Calming your pre-graduate interview nerves, you’ll look to the skies and send a private prayer to the stars before heading in. The seasonal sun, however, will leave you temporarily blinded and stumbling idiotically into a future of unemployment.
CANCER
JUNE 21 – JULY 22
Whether it was Roses red or for some unknown reason white blonde, dying your hair was never a good idea was it? You’ll be mistaken for other people and flowers (by insects) for weeks and will lose money in hat-based investments.
LEO
JULY 23 – AUG 22
The completion of one measly exam out of seemingly thousands is cause for heavy celebration and you gotta get down on Friday. Don’t leave revision for long though, it is predicted tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.
VIRGO
AUG 23 – SEPT 22
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips is what you’ll learn this weekend, Virgo, from what you thought was a sly one night pull. You thought I was predicting weight gain, but no, I’m talking about the rumpy pumpy good stuff.
LIBRA
SEPT 23 – OCT 22
Alex Square is looking funky fresh; it is predicted you will make the most of its new flat surface with some ballbased leisure sports, including croquet, boules and putting golf. I don’t need a spirit level to tell me those plans will fail.
SCORPIO
OCT 23 – NOV 20
An otter of the mind will swim its way back to you this month, Scorpio. Saturn has burst into flames, causing repressed memories to resurface and appear to you in the faces of strangers, dirty coffee cups and crisp fallen leaves. Traumatic.
SAGITTERIUS
NOV 22 – DEC 21
A cornucopia of bees will take flight from their roosting hive and find their way to your face during an exam. To deter this event, paste honey to your exam table legs and sit very still. Ignore invigilators; they don’t feel the bees’ threat like we do.
CAPRICORN
DEC 22 – JAN 20
Since the inevitable third term demise of your social life, your bank balance has been taken off intensive care and into a recovery ward. Get that bad boy back into A&E by booking summer holidays whilst the Sun and Venus are aligned.
AQUARIUS
JAN 21 – FEB 17
A stubborn odour will develop in your bedroom: something no Oust, Frebreeze or own brand air freshener can handle. Have faith in Uranus and leave faeces in the room. The two smells will battle and die tragic deaths. It’s also good feng shui.
PISCES
FEB 18 – MAR 20
Going along to York to show your support for Roses earned you York friends aplenty and put a smile back on your face. You clearly did not take it seriously. You fraternised with the enemy. They will come for you soon.
ARIES
MAR 21- APR 19
Neptune is eclipsed, so steer clear away from the banter this month or things may backfire! There are some very fraught people in the library; people armed with pens and library resources. It’s all fun and games ‘till someone loses an eye.
