We all have those annoying Facebook friends that have the wildest, most drunken nights out every single night of the week- according to their Facebook statuses, anyway. Statuses which can take up to a few minutes to de-code and actually make sense of, because they resemble the spelling and grammar of a two year-old, to put it nicely. Their enviable social lives are sprawled all over Facebook from Monday- Sunday. But how enviable can someone’s night be, when they have the spare time to whip out their blackberry to tell us all, “skjhfgdkjshgaiuyg”? I vow to you that this was somebody’s status, posted at 1.39am on October 6th.
It is actually a rather impressive phenomenon. Personally, after a few drinks, I lose the ability to even use my phone, let alone post statuses or, even more remarkable, upload photographs taken during the night. This does pose the question as to whether this minority group’s nights out are really as “amaznifng” as they would like us to think. The almost foreign language-like statuses are inevitably followed by the “Sooo hungover” statuses the next day. It appears as though the culprits are just trying to prove the point that they are living the party lifestyle, in an attempt to generate admiration and jealousy for themselves.
So, I went on a mission to track down and expose these after-hours Facebookers. Prepare to feel a deep sense of annoyance after reading this article.
There’s the I-get-depressed-and-want-sympathy-on-a-night-out Facebookers. They post statuses such as “wishesj thinghs hadn’t changged,” “Don’t think my life could possibly get any worse” and “break m yyrrt twice never thyry yii.rd.”The latter is particularly mind-boggling, but I have de-coded it to mean something like “break my heart twice, never a third time.” I might be wrong, but I’m not one of the professionals. Judging by these statuses, you might imagine that members of this category of Facebookers sit in a corner of a club, crying alone. Must be exciting company for their friends…
Category number two. I-get-so-wasted-yet-still-remember-my-facebook-password. From this category, you can find general mis-spellings and comments about the night. A few statuses I rooted out were “I neeef to get laid” and “kind jus gt in buzzin comfy quarta 2 6 jog ome x.”The kiss at the end was a nice touch, but it doesn’t make us forgive this person’s awful status update.
Finally, we have the thoughtful category that likes to provide visual aids. Just to be completely certain that there is proof of a wild time. Pictures regularly involve a person planking, or vomit. Whatever it is, upload it the following day, not at 2.30am. Normal people are either asleep, or out partying (minus the continuous reel of status updates).
Obviously, I’m not suggesting that everyone should stay at home gathering dust. I strongly encourage making the most of your university experience. I’m just cynical about a status update that says “Wastedddd ,,,,teqwuila BAAD”, because it’s more than likely that the writer is 95% sober, updating their status to avoid standing awkwardly or making small talk. One particularly interesting recent post read, “Getting drunk and being boring!” At least they know they’re honest with themselves.