The inner monologue whilst doing an all-nighter


10:20pm. I’m going to need an energy drink. I’m not going to make it through tonight unless I have at least two energy drinks at my side. And some snacks. “What time’s Sainsbury’s open ‘til!?!” I shout down to my housemates who are in the front room watching ‘Take Me Out’.


Plenty of time to get to the local and back to start my essay well before midnight. Get in.

I walk to the shop. Monster Energy cans are on sale at £1. Top banana. I grab myself two of those and a Bourneville chocolate bar. I leave the shop. I arrive back. The house has brought out the monopoly board.

“Haven’t you got an essay to write?”

“It’s literally almost done,” I say as I pay rent to Pall Mall half an hour into a game.

The game ends. I didn’t win. I never do. I stumble upstairs, sit on my bed. I take an IQ test. I sadly sink into my desk chair.

11:30pm comes round the corner and I’ve just opened Microsoft word. Time for a break.

11:40pm. Okay, focus. I down my first energy drink. I can do this.

“John Locke was a…”

No. Boring and high schoolish. I’m not writing a Wikipedia article.

“Since the dawn of time…”

Too flashy and cliché. Might be taken as facetiousness.

I finally decide upon a suitable opening sentence 20 minutes later and trundle on until my introduction is finished. Is it too long? Do I get penalized if this is the case? Can Stumbleupon help me out with these answers? Worth a try.

2am. Learnt a lot about marshmallows and Hong Kong in that last hour. Not so much about modern philosophy of the self. I’ve got 10 hours to write 1300 words. Exceedingly doable. Could do it in 9.

My cockiness leads me to watch another twenty Parks and Recreation clips and a seven minute compilation of funny dog vines. This swiftly brings me to 2:30am. Hungry. No one can work when they’re hungry. I scurry downstairs.

I finish my cream of parsnip soup at 2:45 along with the first two paragraphs.  Sensational.

WIKIPEDIA, YOU ABSOLUTE BEAUTY. No more than a couple of clicks and my essay is 400 words richer. I wonder what the penalty is for plagiarism. I google it.

Wow. That’s sounds a little intense.

I check Facebook. No harm in having a peek. My girlfriend has changed her profile picture. Who the hell’s that chick? How skinny do you want them? IS THAT YOUR TYPE? I click ‘like’ ironically.

Straight to Twitter. Sad song lyric about being taken for granted – post!

The adrenaline of being cheated on and left for a Demi Moore look-a-like (probably) pumps another two paragraphs out of me. Now just the conclusion left.

At least I’m actually up on time for this 7am shower.

Did I just fall asleep in the shower?

It’s 8am and I’m looking for flights to Sri Lanka. Literally, I just saw this Facebook post about how Buddhist nuns live and I really want to get that in touch with nature. It’s only the conclusion left – calm down!

9am. A text from the girlfriend. She wants to talk. No time, bud. Gotta go hand in this essay. I look over it and my heart sinks. It’s terrible, but at this point I’m far from caring.

11:53am: Essay in the box. Submitted online. Time for a Subway.

“Hi Jo. Have you done the essay?”

“Yep. Just submitted it then.”

“I mean the Politics one for tomorrow.”

Dang it.

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