Befuddled Scousers unleash distressed cry


Liverpool fans today gathered outside Anfield to exhibit their disgust over the current circumstances at the Merseyside club. Donning their famous red shirts, the Scouse faithful sung loudly to the assembled press and club officials: “What do we want? We’re not quite sure. When do we want it? Sometime in the near future, maybe?”

Sport Distort reporters were on the scene to get first hand reports from the disgruntled fans. “This is a protest with a very specific aim, like,” said one fan sporting an orange shell suit. “We’re fed up of how the people at the top of this club have sent us plummeting from one of the best teams in Europe to lowly Europa League contenders,” before another went on to say: “I thought we were protesting Roy Hodgson’s appointment as manager? This club is too big for the likes of Roy.” A third protestor added: “I think the Pope’s views on contraception are wholly wrong and we need to stand up and oppose this evil tyrant.”

Liverpool players have faced a strict gagging order from the club. However, Sport Distort was able to get a brief comment from club captain Steven Gerrard as he left Melwood, the team’s training ground. He said: “At the end of the day what the fans say is at the end of the day so at the end of the day the day will have ended… like.” While Steven’s words may serve as inspiration for many of the Liverpool faithful, it is thought that club chiefs may be disgruntled by Gerrard’s strong comments on the controversial issues currently surrounding the club.

Liverpool has a proud history of having a very passionate core of unintelligible people who all have similar views on the same things. However, one person who deviated from the norm is former Everton supporter Jamie Carragher. We couldn’t pick out everything he actually said, but the defender did have this to say. “I’ve always hated this club like, the gaffers promote a hatred for my beloved Toffees [Everton, not confectionary] and I’m a changed man at the end of the day like. When I got here I listened to Bach and revelled in post-gothic literature, but now I steal hubcaps off my mum’s car and drive a Vauxhall Astra, I’m really a classy footballer, but I just can’t bring myself to play well in this shirt. I hope they go into administration.” A spokesman from the club said that they expected this kind of dry ironic wit from Carragher who has a reputation for being “the joker in the dressing room and always reliable to make light of a bad situation.”

A verdict on the state of the club’s finances, Hodgson’s appointment and the Pope’s views on contraception is expected to be reached by this time next week or the Liverpool supporters club plan another high turnout, low impact, unenthusiastic protest at Anfield. Alright, calm down, calm down…

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