Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 17
It’s cold, your hungry and tired but you must continue. Strapped to your desk by loving friends, your dissertation will not be unattended until it is complete and emailed in. If there was ever a time for recreational drugs.
Pisces
Feb 18-Mar 20
Unlucky in love, you were ditched right before Valentine’s Day. As compensation for your misfortune you will soon receive a turtle of joy. Stroke his shell and he will sing to you- comforting songs about the death of your ex.
Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
Horror and trauma of the worst kind will frighten you soon, Aries. A large spider who spent his winter in hibernation getting bigger and scarier will come out to play merry hell with your sensitive disposition. Use this copy of SCAN!
Taurus
Apr 20-May 21
After a lonely Valentine’s spent in your room cutting out the face of Lizzie Houghton from multiple copies of SCAN to wallpaper the ceiling of your room, you will meet a girl who looks just like her and begin a twisted new relationship.
Gemini
May 22-Jun 20
A jolly game of hide and seek will backfire. The huge general waste bins are the perfect place to slip in unnoticed, but stay there too long and you’ll find yourself whisked away to Heysham or somewhere similarly worthy of our refuse.
Cancer
Jun 21-Jul 22
The way she flicks her hair, the way she walks and blinks when she’s not sure. The way she giggles at your jokes. You have this warm fuzzy feeling inside, but it’s not love, it’s a horrible bowel infection and you need a doctor.
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
During one of your manly games of tough contact man sport outside in the freezing cold with your fellow man friends, you will slip on some black ice and break your leg! Man up and carry on, or face total peer- based humiliation.
Virgo
Aug 23-Sept 22
Like something from The Sims, your charisma levels are super high this time of the month, Virgo! It’s like a reverse period, perhaps? Make the most of this golden opportunity to meet new people and make better friends. Yay!
Libra
Sept 23-Oct 22
An affectionate floral tribute from an anonymous admirer found its way to you last weekend, you gorgeous thing! How patronising, as if all women want is something that smells nice? Hunt him down and get him to give you the money.
Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
Your broken Xbox, smoking from over-use will cause havoc for your carefully laid procrastination and leisure time plans. Rather than acquiring a gun and playing your game on the streets, have you considered the fine art of matchstick sculptures?
Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21
Apparently you can now hire out iPads in the Learning Zone, Saggy! Now you can sit in a pod wearing your mac using an iPad and eating an apple. Haha? Don’t worry, the joke intended to give you a synching feeling.
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 20
No parties allowed in the residences- who knew? Certainly you didn’t Capricorn, your heavy weekend was hot and dangerous and in true Ke$ha style you’ve got yourself an STI! Fear not, the Nurses Unit can…oh wait no, you’re screwed!
