Sport Distort: Man United dongle bans twits

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Sir Alex Ferguson has made huge steps towards removing his players from social news site Twitter as well as providing alternative entertainment for his players. After claims that he doesn’t understand such sites and people’s constant desire to use them, he has followed through with his initial suggestion of “why can’t they just read a book or something” by setting up an official Manchester United library.

Sir Alex has claimed that such moves are not as a result of CTB attempting to sue the site following an alleged affair.  We can’t see why CTB’s latest misdemeanour would have any bearing on the internal politics at Manchester United either. Sir Alex claims: “It is more to do with the general idiocy of some of our players. Some struggle to communicate appropriately in everyday life as it is. When there are no holds barred on such sites, I am more concerned than ever for my players”.

“After setting up an account just over a week ago, in order to gauge how it works and how footballers behave and respond on such sites, I intentionally provoked a player, and was shocked when I was immediately threatened by the player in question, saying that he was going to put me to sleep”.

Sir Alex admitted that he did not know what he was more concerned about, a player saying something that would reflect badly on the club, or them being outsmarted by Piers Morgan. He went on to admit further concerns, raising the issue that “some players react far too aggressively to their followers, whereas others need to mind where they put their dongle”. And for that reason Twitter’s days at Manchester United are numbered.

John O’Shea was delighted by the news, as a player who could only muster seven followers after two months on the site. He said: “I agree with Fergie in everything he has said. I just don’t see the point of it. I am looking forward to spending time in our new library and I am especially excited about the reward scheme that has been put in place by the gaffer”. He went on to admit that “with Patrice’s hatred of books, I can look forward to a few more starts at left-back next season, plus, I haven’t had my dongle out in years”.

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