You will discover an ambiguous carpet stain in your new room. Do not report it, or people will know that you are the chosen one. Feed the stain milk and dead insects; build a small shrine. In time it will impart its wisdom.
Beware the raven of the night, young naïve Libra, for it can crawl through small spaces like a mouse, but swoop and claw viciously at your sleeping face like a wolf. The raven will take your natural beauty, and irremediably befoul it.
A lunar eclipse is predicted today, Scorpio! The sight of the crusty moon entirely obliterated by your lack of vision in both eyes! This temporary blindness will last a terrifying 48 hours of darkness and Postman Pat-based hallucinations, commencing momentarily…
A new acquaintance will play Judas and betray you in Fresher’s Week. Slyly take any fruit or vegetables from his cupboards in the kitchen and consume the evidence. This traitor will get nowhere without his vital vitamins.
Mars struts across the skies, suggesting extra confidence for you, Capricorn! For the quieter, pensive Capricorns this will provide the flair needed to make new friends for life. If not, you will come across as a bit of a knob.
A supermarket romance is on the cards, Aquarius! Blossoming half an hour at a time during your weekly shop, she’s your basket-full of love. You’ll want to put your points on her nectar card, and your coin in her trolley…
Collision between Venus and Neptune causing an insurance deets exchange can only mean that one of your new housemates is a vampire! Upload a pic of yourself with your new chums and tag the vampire’s empty space for public humiliation. Cringe!
Will your student loan arrive on time? Is Pluto a planet? Some things are just too outlandish to be predicted. My magic 8 ball says ‘don’t count on it’. Best to live in worry and solace until they admit they’ve lost your forms.
Your new part-time night shift job at the local cemetery working for your biology professor will lead you into grave trouble with the authorities. However, it’s predicted that cries of “But I wanted to see Grandpa again!” will lessen your sentence.
An exciting eccentric new fancy dress costume will cause you unwanted, irritable chafing. Caught in a conflict between the non-stop fun of the outfit and the agonizing skin agitation, only your Equal Opps. Officer can save you with free lube!
Unfortunately for you, Cancer, an oppressive cloud of homesickness will shroud your first few days of term. Haunted by your mother’s worried pallid face, take shelter and comfort in the Sugarhouse, where the Gods of The Rave will protect you.
A refreshingly fruity hard-boiled sweet from Fresher’s Fair will catch you off-guard! Surprisingly delicious, you will be heavily distracted by its tropical flavours, and when jostled by crowds, the sweet will lodge itself in your air passage. Beware the sweets.